My mother is recovering from alcoholism. My ‘narcissistic’ sisters took over her
I often read your advice column, and now I have questions of my own.
For many years my mother was an intelligent, strong businesswoman who worked her way up the corporate ladder and was making a six-figure salary by the time she was in her mid-40s.
She also was an alcoholic. A very high-functioning one, but an alcoholic nonetheless. I started to notice how serious her drinking problem was in my early 20s, as did other family members, but my younger sisters (twins, three years younger than me) remained in denial until it was too late.
In her late 60s, her years of alcohol abuse finally caught up with her when she developed Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome, which is a form of brain damage and whose symptoms are similar to Alzheimer’s disease or other forms of dementia. My sisters finally woke up and helped me intervene when my mother could no longer take care of herself.
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‘The first rehab stint cost over $30,000. My mother didn’t drink during her month there and started to improve, but as soon as she got back home she started drinking again.’
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The doctors told us that the most important first step in dealing with her was to get her to stop drinking. My sisters decided that rehab was the best bet, but all of the reputable alcohol rehabilitation programs run by hospitals and led by medical doctors and psychiatrists said that my mother was not a good candidate for their programs.
My sisters, having seen the numerous Hollywood movies where someone spends 30 days in rehab and then is “cured,” went about finding a program that would take her, and sent her to the first place they could find. The first rehab stint cost over $30,000. My mother didn’t drink during her month there and started to improve, but as soon as she got back home, she started drinking again.
So another rehab stint, then another and another, and always the same outcome. Before her first rehab stint my mother had over $200,000 in her savings account, and by the end of a year it was almost all gone. I tried to talk to my sisters about what I see as the rehabilitation racket: centers that just want your money and have no real ability to get people to stop drinking. But they wouldn’t listen to me.
At one point I went with my mother to her bank and had her put $5,000 of what was left of her money into a savings account in her name that my sisters couldn’t take for more rehab, because I was worried that my mother was going to end up broke.
‘It will always be two against one’
My sisters found out about it and accused me of trying to steal from my mother, tried to get other family members against me, and got a lawyer to prevent me from having anything to do with my mother’s finances. They told me that if I ever tried to see her again without them present as witnesses, they would file a restraining order against me.
I have gone to other family members for help and advice, including my father, from whom my mother has been divorced since 1990. My father says he agrees with me, but he has no leverage over my sisters so there is nothing he can do.
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‘My sisters accused me of trying to steal from my mother, tried to get other family members against me, and got a lawyer to prevent me from having anything to do with my mother’s finances.’
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